Now, I’m not literally looking into the bottom of a cookie jar, but I am at the end of a very long period of self-indulgence....or negligence. I haven’t been able to decide which one, if not both. The funny part about giving myself what I want, is that when it’s all said and done, I don’t feel great about myself. In fact when I make it to the bottom of the cookie jar, I start hating cookies.    

    My mom says that she’s addicted to food. I used to assume that I had that problem as well. But now I know that it’s not hard for me to say no when i want to. It’s just hard for me to care enough to hold myself accountable. I mean...have you ever just sat there with a bag of your chips in your hand thinking “I really shouldn’t be eating this” while your hand stuffs some more fried grease into your mouth. Well, I have. My friend from fat camp (yes, fat camp) once said that it hurts to watch the skinny girls eat a cheeseburger and not gain an ounce, but it hurts even more to see them with the guy you like. Which is so true. I just have to some how get myself to remember that when I get cravings.

    I read a book yesterday called “Miss Invisible”. The protagonist starts a blog in which she rants about how overweight people are overlooked and ignored by society (Men, servers, employers, etc.) I agree with her, but at the same time...I don’t really want to be seen when I look like I do. I’d rather have someone not notice me. It’s kind of like love...I don’t want a relationship with someone while I feel so discouraged about my image. And I could preach that a man should love me for my heart and not my girth, but then I’d be a hypocrite. Looks are a lot to me when I’m looking for a guy. There has to be an attraction for me. So I can’t really blame them. It’s a brutal truth, but a truth nonetheless. It’s these little sobering facts that help me reach my weight loss goals. Seeing JP’s--read best friend’s delicious older brother--face in my mind and what his face will look like when I see him next (he’ll be looking at me minus 100 lbs --I’m determined!)...it makes it worth it and makes me push myself just that much farther.

    That being said, I’ve been pretty good this week. I just know that I can do so much better. I have done so much better.

Mel,  I know where you're coming from.  I've been battling my weight since I was 12 years old, I turned 31 last year.  For a while I thought I had a reverse-eating-disorder.....I was getting heavier and heavier but couldn't see it.  I would be squeezing into my clothes and not fully (or rationally) understand why.  When I had to buy a size 18 jeans, was wearing a 14 (skipped size 16 altogether), and saw a picture of myself from Christmas 2007, I knew I needed to make a change.  And not to start ANOTHER diet - I wanted a lifestyle change - I wanted a new, healthy relationship with food.  I started the alli plan last Monday and started taking the pills on Saturday.  So far I can honestly say this is the best thing I've done for myself.  This program has helped me look at food in a different light and has taught me about eating a well-balanced meal where you can still incorporate some of your favorites - in moderation.  And these message boards are awesome!!  There is so much success, so much history, so much "been-there-done-that" that you can find dozens of people to relate to.  I didn't feel as alone in my weight-battle after checking out the message boards.  Keep posting, keep reaching out and connecting with people that have the same experiences as you - find strength in numbers! 

Hi Mel and welcome.  You didn't say when or even if you started alli.  Interesting self-analysis though.  I think all of us have wondered about the psychological triggers of overeating.  One that nobody ever addresses though is the taste of food.  What makes your mouth start watering when you look at or smell a batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies?  Do heavy people have overactive taste buds or does their brain work differently when it comes to cravings?  I have never looked at my problem as a psychological one, I don't think I eat when stressed, I just like the taste of food, lots of different kinds of food, particularly carbohydrate-laden foods.  I did find that becoming educated about fat grams, calories, protein, etc. helped me understand what those foods did to my body, not just the weight gain, but the health issues such as elevated blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.  As I continued in the program I noticed that my cravings had not disappeared but had subsided and were now manageable (most of the time).  I also realized that when the craving is unmanageable, it's just for one meal or one indulgence, and this new lifestyle is for life, so I can then pick up where I left off before that indulgence.  I can live with that, I can really live with that.  This message board of course is life saver everyday, so please keep coming back, we're in this together.

Judy