jvmj407:

I gained about 40 lbs since my husband and I were married. I had 2 kids in three years and now that I am 34 the weight is not so easy to come off like it used to.

I plateued at 207, and I started working out daily, La weight loss etc and I do all I can yet my husband states due to my weight he is not attracted to me physically. I did lose 20 lbs but really i need to lose 40 more and I get so discouraged when he makes his hurtful comments.

I work extra hours cause he has been laid off since feb and I am so busy that adding a strict diet and keeping track of it all is even more time consuming and it is so hard to stick to.

It is not like I am sitting on my rear doing nothing and letting myself go, I bust butt on a daily basis. grrr

He can eat whatever he wants, not workout and never gain weight. I look at a doughnut and I gain 5 lbs!

I feel miserable and everyday I am consumed with my weight.

I gave him 2 options, either counciling or divorce. He chose counciling, but I feel I am already to damaged. We have only been together 2 times since the conception of our daughter and she just turned 1 ! So almost 2 years!

He is not affectionate in any way and I am ashamed, embarrassed and angry.

It seems everyone else encourages me but not him..........

I feel like why bother sometimes...........

 

Your husband is being horrible, but I really disagree with the "kick him to the curb" crowd.  Divorce will only make things much, MUCH more complicated.  You will have even less time for yourself as a single mother, and divorce does incredible damage to the children.  If he's willing to try counseling, then do that.  Give up only when all of your options have been exhausted, and they haven't yet.

Sweetie, I totally feel for you. 

My marriage was to a man who sounds a lot like yours.  I was at my thinnest since high school when we met, and he had some SERIOUS emotional and psychological issues (parental, drugs, alcohol, etc.)  Unfortunately I wasn't enlighted about this until after the wedding.  Luckily, (although somewhat sadly) we didn't have any children for him to emotionally abuse, but he sure as heck did it to me.  He told me once (jokingly, or so I thought) that if I ever started to look like his mother (who is extremely overweight) that he would leave me.  Well, in a year or two of marriage, you get comfortable, and for me, the weight started to come on.  And I'm not saying that this was the only problem our relationship had, but it was the one point he would always bring up to blame me for why our marriage wasn't working.  So I tried harder, going to Weight Watchers, exercising more, trying to please HIM and make him stay with me.  And it didn't work.  We separated, and I have been divorced for over a year now. 

And now I am losing the weight for ME.  And I have found a wonderful man, who fell in love with me when I was fat, and proposed to me when I was fat, and who will marry me when I am (not quite so) fat. 

My heart breaks for you, because I remember the me that I was 3 years ago.  So first, lose the weight for YOU, then for your children, so they know their mommy is a fighter, and if your husband is worth it, he will realize that he needs to be the kind of person that you are, and if he's not worth it, then you will have tried your best and realized there was nothing else you can do. 

Good luck, I know you can do it!

your awesome.....hang in there...you know when i am not feeling good about myself..due to special circumstances(job,finances,everthing) you tend to take out the way you really feel about yourself on the other person. he probably struggles being out of work...that can be so damaging to a man...and so his only outlet to let out how he fels about himself is to make you feel the same way he does....be positive as much as you can,,,good luck

wow I am so sorry you have to go through that. I experienced that with my first marriage and it was horrible, I feel your pain. My current husband LOVED me at my highest weight but I want to lose weight now for me and US....I have a great man, he's never judged me.  Hang in there..do it for you. Don't be ashamed, it isn't you...it's just life! You'll be ok because your making an effort!!!

Deana

It took courage to post about how you are feeling and what is going on in your marriage.  Your pain, anger and apathy are palpable. I know it would be nice to find a solution here from the many responses to your post, but, let's face it, everyone is filtering what you say through their own personal history, So you will get dozens of answer and none of them will be the right one for you.

The only advice that I guarantee is right advice for you is this: find a counselor,or therapist and work out your feelings and deal with your low self esteem.  It is admirable that you and your husband are in counseling for your marriage, but that is about both of you as a couple. Now is the time to devote some time to nurturing you, and your hopes and dreams and understanding how you may have changed over time. You deserve to be strong and happy and successfully.  You won't get that here, you'll get that from a therapist who will listen and understand you and help you find the right answers to your problems. 

All my best wishes.

 Em

 

Im sorry thats occuring for you.  Its your hubbys loss if he cantbe with you regardless of your weight.  So why did he marry you them cus u were skinny minny when u met.  Life happens and it happens to us all.  I htink the counseling idea is a a good idea but he has to find out why for himself he cant be with u with your extra love handles. 

I agreew ith previous advice that u need to loseweight for YOU not him.  If he cant help u in your endevor he is the excess baggage. 

He is being abusive towards you.  no he may not be physically harming u, but its mental abuse.

I had a friend who lost a crap load of weight because her boyfriend wouldn sleep with her becasue of her weight.  THATS CRAP!  Sad part was she was heavy when he met her and started dating her.  It wasnt like she was skinny and gained a ton of weight.  So she busted her butt to lose weight an he still was a jerk afterwards.  he was also a drug addict loser and even since dumping the loser gained all her weight and then some. 

She had to figure for herself that (not that all of us werntthere to tell her to lose the loser).she needs to lose weight for HERSELF. 

we shoudlnt be losing for everyone cus if we do what do we do when the person leaves or whatever.?? 

We all make choices in everything we do or say?  I hcoose the foods i eat and drink, what exercises i do and so forth. yes there are some circumstances to everyone but we can choose how we deal with them and with what.

Bottom line is do u like what your husband says to you and makes u feel?  If you dont what can you do about it?  so u gave him an ultimatum?  ok fine but what do u expect to get out of it?  he will all of sudden want to have sex.    do u really think that will occur?  it mite and i hope for youir sake it works out but rely on yourself not him.  stand up for yourself.

best of luck.

YOU rock! HE sucks!

I am so sorry that this is happening to you.  My boyfriend makes comments about my belly and calls both of us fat but we do have a lot of sex and he seems to like it.  I do feel counseling will help you and since your children are so young it is worth a try.  I got divorced in April but my son is 16.  It was very financially difficult but you do not deserve to be treated like this.  If he does not become more supportive and try to be intimate with you until he starts to feel attracted to you again, then I would ask the counselor to help.  You are too young and so are your kids and there are men who like larger women and who want to make love to a whole person and not just a pretty body who will lay there.  I slowly lost weight from about 240 to about 180 and I still could and did have sex with my husband when we were still married although he was not as supportive in other ways.  If he is insulting you and is not affectionate at all he is being abusive and you deserve more than that.  I will think of you and hope that the counseling and weight loss goes well and I know that someday things will get better even though it is hard right now. 

I totally know how you feel!!!  My soon to be EX-HUSBAND made me feel like crap, he and I never had much sex after I gained 40 pound.  I went from super skinny to super big, but I realize I need to do this for me and most importantly my daughter.  Give it a try in counceling but limit your time, you need to live your life to please you.  If he doesn't like you when you are big then who cares if he likes you when you're skinny and sexy.  He needs to stand beside you hand and hand not behind you or infronyt of you judging.  Be proud of yourself.  

 Sweetie, you do what you need to make yourself feel better, if you are losing weight for yourself and not for you, I'd lose him first. I have been divorced for 10 years. My ex husband made me feel so bad about myself that I believed him when he told me no man would want my fat a**. I am a 46 year old woman and I weigh 253 pounds. I never remarried but I have a wonderful man who loves me for me. I decided to lose 75 pounds so I would feel better. Love yourself and your daughter and don't let some guy make you feel bad about yourself!